I get this question a lot and I get it from women on both sides of this fence. The wives often ask it because they want to know if they can really believe their husband when he swears that he is done with the other woman. And, I sometimes hear this question from the mistress (some of whom are repeat offenders) who ask me why every time they engage in this type of the relationship and even invest fully in it, that the men ultimately end up going back to his wife.
From the wives, I often hear comments like "he says he wants to come back to me and that he knows he made a huge mistake for which he will make amends, but it's hard for me to believe that he's suddenly seen the light and changed his mind. Why do men do this? Is there some answer that I'm missing?"
From the mistress, I will often hear comments like "why would he tell me that his marriage is unsatisfying and that he really cares about me and then end up going back to what he seemed to not want? Was he lying to me the whole time, or was he just confused, or what?"
The answer to all of these questions is as varied as the man himself, but very often, he eventually comes to realize that he was desperately wrong in his assumptions and in his actions. And at the end of the day, all he really wants is his regular life back (which he now realizes he took very much for granted.) I will discuss this more in the following article.
Men Often Ultimately Go Back To Their Wives Because They Realize That The Affair Was A Mistake That Was Based On Deception And Unhealthy Assumptions: Before I go on, I have to say that not every single men who cheats will go back to his wife. But many do. And those that do often do so because they realize that the affair was a silly mistake that is going to have far reaching consequences.
In the beginning of the affair, a man if often looking for a way to fix what is broken or missing within himself. At first, the affair might feel like it's accomplishing this. But the shiny newness wears off relatively soon and eventually most men wake up and wonder just what kind of logic they were using. Eventually, they come to realize that making yet more mistakes and using questionable judgment is in no way going to solve their problems.
In fact, they often come to realize that they are actually worse off and more confused and frustrated than when they started. Most of them will realize they have done nothing but made a much bigger mess for themselves and, once they make this realization, they want to abruptly put an end to this situation.
I'll often have mistresses email me confused and angry that the husband abruptly broke things off when they, the mistress, did nothing wrong. It's often not necessarily the mistress who is wrong, it's the relationship that's wrong. The husband comes to realize there's really no place that this can go and that only negative things are going to come out of it. Therefore, he wants to make his escape and to start making things right as soon as is possible.
Men Often Come To Realize That The Mistress Is Not Who She Thought He Was And That She Has Nothing On His Wife: Let's face it. People having affairs very often are living in fantasy land. The mistress seems alluring and carefree because she's not the one doing his laundry, watching him groom himself, or picking up his dirty socks. At first, the mistress is usually pretty good at keeping light hearted and she's usually pretty careful about asking too many questions or making too many demands.
But no one can keep this up forever. Pretty soon, these two people have to exist in real life and this is usually when the rose colored glasses begin to come off. And the view without them doesn't look nearly as good. He comes to see that he and the mistress have the same issues that he and the wife have. And that ultimately, this woman is really a stranger to him and that the situation that he's put himself in is very silly and has no where to go but downward.
Men will often tell me that once these realizations hit them, they realize just what an idiot they have been. They suddenly see their wives with a fresh set of eyes and they realize how much they took her for granted and projected their own problems onto her.
Men Usually End An Affair And Come Back Home When They Realize They Can Not Run Away From Their Problems: As I've alluded to before, husbands usually come to realize that they aren't going to be able to solve their problems, stressors, and insecurities through another person or in another relationship. They usually will come to realize that they need to do some work on themselves or this problem is just going to follow them from relationship to relationship and continue to make them unhappy.
Once this realization hits, they finally understand that they need to get to work with the person that really matters to them, the person that they've been so unfair to and have taken for granted – their wife. It's so unfortunate that it takes a mistake of this magnitude to force men to wake up and to realize that it's often the woman who has been there for them all along and who knows them better than anyone who is most equipped to help them navigate their lives right now.
Sometimes, the wife does not believe these claims and is not receptive to picking up the pieces. And no one can really blame her. But, he's often being truthful when he says that he can look back now and see that the cheating was among the hugest mistakes of his life and that he wants to make right if given the chance. Many mistresses will take this personally, but they really shouldn't. The relationship did not have much of a chance from the start since it was based on dishonesty, deception, and a fantasy world that never really existed.
I know that the mistress often thinks that she has something special or has something that the wife doesn't have, but this is rarely true. I am glad I forced myself not to buy into this. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/